Monday, April 18, I bought a gun and a box of bullets. I researched online the best place to shoot myself to destroy the brainstem and not be a vegetable for the rest of my life. Then I got in my car and drove to Oklahoma.
I had every intention of killing myself.
I have no prospects of ever seeing my children again. Michael has managed to divorce me without me ever being served, so I did not find out until it was over. I never had a chance to go to court and plead my case, so beg to see my children.
I wrote the previous post. Why not. I’ve always been honest on this blog. About my depression, my bipolar diagnosis, my previous suicide attempts, my upbringing, my emptiness. Death was just another part of the honesty I wanted this blog to be about. I honestly believed no one would read it for days, few would care. My children would never know, I have no faith that my ex would ever tell them. I don’t even know what he’s told them about me being gone since I’m not ever able to call and talk to them. All I get is the ringing of a telephone and a voicemail that is never returned.
In a moment of fear I called someone I thought I could trust. That person talked me into driving back to Texas and getting help. Police took my gun, then drove me to a hospital for the night. At 5:30 AM, April 20, I was admitted into a mental health treatment center.
Things haven’t been rosy since then. I found out some things that shattered me, and I learned that a person who made promises to me did not mean them. I feel abandoned, lied to, and betrayed.
Am I depressed. Fuck yes I am! I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough for someone to love me. I’ve spent most of my life basing my worth on what a boyfriend said about me. And most of them liked to tell me how shitty I was. But since I had already been hearing what a piece of trash I was from my mother for years, it felt like the truth.
I wasn’t good enough to make my mother love. I wasn’t good enough to make my husband love me. I’m not good enough. There’s a constant running dialog in my head telling me that I’m nothing, worthless, shit. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. I think it will always be there.
I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I lost my job, and rent is due on the first. I’m trying to get on a new medication regiment, one that the doctor says will work better. I’m giving up on relationships. They’re just too tiring and too much trouble, and I always seem to end up with my heart broken. I’m going to try to love myself, even though it feels impossible.
I’m sorry if I hurt anyone, that was not my intention. I was just trying to stop the pain, both in myself that I inflict on others.
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eve
@ evelester
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 1:42 AM:
You are not alone in those feelings, I have been there, I have the same worthless thoughts all the time, I wish I had some advice but I think I have to figure it all out too. (((((hugs)))))
eve´s last blog ..Dear Boy
Zoie @ TouchstoneZ
@ touchstonez
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 3:08 AM:
I’m so sorry about the situation with your children and your husband. I also have been in a situation where I felt the suffering was more than I could bear. Sometimes it feels true.
It is not true, though, even when I believed it. Sometimes I just have to make it through one breath and then another and then another…as many as it takes to get through it until the thought loosens its hold on me. I don’t know if it will ever entirely life, but I know I can make it through THIS breath. And THIS breath is the only thing that I know I have to hold on to.
I know we don’t know each other, but I hope you know you can tweet me and I’ll breathe with you.
Just stay. Even when staying feels intolerable. Just breathe.
Zoie @ TouchstoneZ´s last blog ..Letter to Littles- April 2011
Lucy @ dreamingaloudnet
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 6:35 AM:
For you, with love xx
http://dreamingaloudnet.blogspot.com/2011/03/choosing-to-live.html
and
http://dreamingaloudnet.blogspot.com/2010/12/you-are-not-victim-this-is-no-accident.html
Lucy @ dreamingaloudnet´s last blog ..The power of love
Lucy @ dreamingaloudnet
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 6:38 AM:
Totally with Zoie there, one breath at a time. And know that you are not alone. Hundreds, thousands of people out there care if you live or die. I am so sorry to hear the situation with your kids. But things can change. But only if YOU are here. YOU have to care.
Lucy @ dreamingaloudnet´s last blog ..The power of love
SaraOFlaherty
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 6:39 AM:
Summer, I care about you a lot, you know I have followed you for ages. But I do have to ask, because this has been bothering me for awhile. How are you saying he managed to divorce you without you ever being served, when you told me you guys were never married. I think I still have the twitter DM’s where we discussed whether your state has common-law marriage rights, and I think ultimately it came down to ‘no’. It was right after that you started talking on your blog about papers and divorce. I thought at that point you didn’t want people knowing you guys hadn’t actually been married, so I didn’t say anything, you were going through enough…The problem I am having now is that while you are talking here about being brutally honest, I’m left wondering which story was true. You were very clear with me that the two of you were never married, now you are saying on your blog that he managed to divorce you without sending you papers. These stories directly conflict, and I’m feeling at some point either I or your readers have been misled.
Amy
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 8:59 AM:
Hi Summer,
I didn’t know who you were until the suicide note was posted. Another mom asked a group I am part of if we were familiar with you and knew anything more. Your story spoke to me because I have felt some similar feelings in the past. I’m in a very different place now, but it’s taken quite a bit of inner work. Totally worth the effort.
“I’m going to try to love myself, even though it feels impossible. ”
I will not claim that it is easy to do what you’re trying to do. Yet, you are the one to do it. You are correct that looking for love outside of yourself in others will not suffice. Trustworthy people who genuinely care can support you, but the work is yours to do – and the results yours to enjoy.
The effort to heal your own wounds can not later be taken by someone else.
Are you familiar with the work of Byron Katie? She’s very direct, but it may be a place to start. http://www.thework.com
The story of the past is just that. You can create from here, tying up loose ends with those you care about as you go along.
Much Love,
Amy
Amy´s last blog ..Too many emails!… and an interview
Rashel
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 9:14 AM:
Summer, I can’t even fathom what the thought of never seeing your children again feels like, but I know it must be the most awful feeling. I’ve been thinking about this and I am just enraged at a society that thinks, for even one minute, that taking children away from their primary care-giver, who loves them so very much, is anything but terrible for those children. To not let you talk to them or see them? They are too young to understand and will only feel abandoned, hurt, this is worse for them then whatever reason given for why they are not with you. I just don’t comprehend this and nothing but awfulness can come of it. I wish I knew how you could fight to change that, for you and for your precious children. I have to say that I understand that you wanted to die, to end it, depression or no,t but I can also see that you are a beautiful, caring person that needs help fighting to get those children back into your life, and you into theirs. I can’t imagine anything anyone could possibly say to them that will make them feel anything but horrible and sad inside. This is just not right. I hope you make it through, Summer, there are a lot of people who care about you … especially those children.
Jana
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 9:51 AM:
Summer, I’m so gald you are alive. I believe you are strong enough to work everything out and that there are good people out there who will help. I’m pulling for you from this long distance.
I don’t understand why your ex is refusing for you to even talk to your children. What I do believe with all my heart is that one day, your children will come looking for you. They will want to hear your side of the story and if you aren’t here they will always wonder. I know it is only a fleeting hope but it’s there. Grab it and hang on!
Sending you possitive thoughts, prayers and blessings!
Peace to you!
Summer
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 10:03 AM:
Sara,
At the time we had talked I had been told that common-law marriage had been taken off the books in Oklahoma. Before I moved to Texas I spoke with another lawyer because Michael had filed his taxes as married and I wanted my half of the tax return, which I never got. That lawyer informed me that because he had filed as married, we were common-law married. Since then I had not been able to speak with another lawyer because I was saving up money to hire one. Then I was informed by a friend of his mother’s that he had already been to court and filed for divorce, so I assuming the second lawyer I talked to was correct. I’m still not entirely sure on everything because, as I said, I was never served with papers and never told about a court hearing. But the person who informed me I trust to be honest, and I know his mother would not lie about something like that.
Chantelle
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 10:33 AM:
I don’t know what to say yet, so ((((((hug)))))).
Chantelle´s last blog ..from us to you
Sara O'Flaherty
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 10:36 AM:
Did you not call the courthouse when you heard he filed and request copies of the papers? You don’t need a lawyer to do that. Truth be told you still need to do that, because you need to find out how the issue of custody was addressed. You should at the very minimum have supervised visitation, and if the issue was just tabled to get the divorce through, you can request a hearing for that. Again, no lawyer needed. Even if custody/visitation WAS addressed you can still file an appeal on your own based on the fact that you weren’t notified. Can you prove he knew where you lived? Text messages, online chats, mail forwarding, anything at all to show he knew where to have you served?
You know I have been in your shoes, and I know how badly it hurts being away from your kids, but the fact is at this point you need to be gearing yourself to fight, lawyer or no lawyer.
Lisa
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 11:06 AM:
Some lawyers will take on cases like your’s for free so you may want to ask around a little bit. You never know.
Also I want you to know you have not left my thoughts since your last post. You were the first Okie green blogger I “met” and I have always enjoyed your blog and how honest you are about everything. I hope you can learn to love yourself and can find peace. I have been sending good thoughts and prayers non-stop. You do have people that care about you, a lot of us just happen to be in different parts of the country.
Lisa´s last blog ..Review Giveaway- Do It Gorgeously
Nicole
@ nicolelj
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 12:08 PM:
Thinking of you. Giving you a big cyber hug. Wishing you peace and strength! Love!
Dawn
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 12:23 PM:
When I was 2 years old my bio father left me and my mom for another woman.
My mom had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
Through out my childhood there were many suicide attempts, lots of fiddling with
medications, and lots of stays in the hospital for my mom. Now my mom is 56
years old, has two grandsons and manages her illness with the proper medication.
I am so so so glad that she was never successful with ending her life. Even though
my childhood was a challenge and not average, I am quite a well adjusted person,
happy and have two beautiful children. I am so happy my sons can know their
‘Nana’. Please look at the big picture, even if you can’t see them in this moment, so
much can happen in the next 60 years.
Through all of the struggle with my mom’s illness, she never disclosed the diagnosis
to her ex husband. She was afraid he’s take me away from her. (even though he
abandoned us) I wonder if this is what happened with you and your ex? When you
got diagnosed with Bipolar, did that make him think you couldn’t manage the kids
any more?
It seems odd that he could leave you for another woman, leave you penny-less,
have almost zero relationship with the kids then all of a sudden be able to have full
custody. Hopefully you can get it all sorted out. Being bipolar should not mean that
you can’t be around your own children.
I wish you the best Summer. Are you able to go on welfare to pay rent? Or is there a
disability allowance in the States? My mom is on that.
Dawn (from Vancouver Canada)
drhoctor2
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 12:29 PM:
I’m so sorry that you are in this much pain. I get it. I’m so glad that you are still here. as difficult as the process of recovery from depressive episodes may be for you now, Your voice is strong and loving. This struggle is worth the fight. You are worth fighting for. You matter. Your health matters. Your life matters. Keep writing. Keep talking. Keep trying. We want you here, we want to hear you.
I hope you won’t feel shamed. We all have breaking points. We understand. I’m on twitter @drhoctor2 and at gmail with the same name. . If you need to talk, if you feel that desperation again, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ve been where you are now. My best thoughts and prayers for you .
Susan
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 12:31 PM:
Many prayers! You are loved by the One, Jesus.
Brendazzle*
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 1:22 PM:
From what I saw on twitter, everyone was just concerned for you. You didn’t hurt us; we just didn’t want you to be hurting. I’m very glad you’re not dead. I’m glad you’re getting help.
Brendazzle*´s last blog ..preschool princess 52-17
Liz
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 1:48 PM:
I came here via @phdinparenting…just wanted to send a hug to you. I hope your road from here is filled with hope and understanding. All my best to you.
Liz´s last blog ..Letter
Nina
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 2:56 PM:
I have followed your blog for ages Summer, and I want to help in any way I can. Please email me if you ever feel like talking. I always feel like listening.
Lots of love
Jasie VanGesen
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 3:31 PM:
I second everything Dawn from Vancouver said. Big time.
I also want you to know that I am pulling for you big time and can relate to so much of what you’re going through. You are loved, Summer.
Jasie VanGesen´s last blog ..The cheesiest thing EVER
Denise
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 6:35 PM:
Summer
You have some good advice here already, and I don’t want to overwhelm you with more ‘you need to…’ . I just want to say I’m here for you & thinking of you. There are very few situations where a parents’ rights are legally severed permanently and I’m certain that you can legally sort this out.
hannah
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 7:58 PM:
praying for you, summer!
so many difficult times in your life right now, i am so very sorry for your pain. you are not alone. press on! xo
Sybil
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 8:21 PM:
(((Summer))). I am so glad you are still here and still fighting. You have a cheering section!
Layla
on Apr 28th, 2011
@ 2:57 AM:
Summer, You have always made me feel less alone and more normal. We haven’t talked much and the last time was years ago… but I value your presence.
Barnmaven
on May 2nd, 2011
@ 1:48 PM:
Summer, please go to legal aid and address the issue of your children’s custody. Courts very rarely terminate a parent’s rights or refuse visitation unless there is some compelling reason. Just because a court order exists does not mean that it can’t be replaced with a newer order with a parenting and visitation schedule that addresses and enforces your parental rights.
You have the right to legal representation even if you have no income.
Don’t give up on your kids yet.
Barnmaven´s last blog ..I meant to do that