photo credit: Spigoo

*Note. This was originally written on my facebook page, but I decided to also post it here. What follows is my opinion. I am pro-abortion, and have had an abortion myself. Trolls and hateful comments will not be tolerated.

The final project for my sociology class is a group debate. My group has to argue that a man has a right to prevent a woman from having an abortion. Personally, I’m opposed to such a thing, but for the debate I’ve had to look at some of the arguments for why a man should have say. If nothing else, doing so has only helped me to more finely set my own beliefs.

Here are my personal thoughts on the matter.

When it comes to human reproduction and parenting, I see three distinct areas. 1) pre-conception, the moments before and during sex that happen before the egg is fertilized. 2) Pregnancy itself, from the moment the egg attaches to the uterine lining until delivery. And 3) After birth, the raising and/or caring for the child.

I want to look at the first and last parts first.

Before pregnancy, both partners have equal risks and responsibility. Both partners enter into the sexual relationship knowing the risks of pregnancy and having access to ways to prevent said pregnancy. Now, of course, I’m talking perfect world here, and there are certainly plenty of instances when one person can void the other person’s ability to prevent said risk. But in a perfect world, both partners enter into the sexual relationship knowing the risk and having access to methods to prevent said risk. I see this as equal footing. If one partner wants a child while the other does not, they have the ability to abstain from sex or use protection to prevent pregnancy until that partner finds one that also wants a child, thus preventing the occurrence of the need for an abortion in the first place. Clearly, communication is key here and should be done before the act of sex happens. If a man wants a child, but the woman he is with does not, he can choose to not risk pregnancy with her. He has an equal choice in the matter.

Now, what about after birth? I think this too should be equal. Both parents assume (in a perfect world) the same risks and responsibilities that come with child raising. In most states, there are laws that allow a woman to safely leave her newborn child within a certain time frame at a designated safe place, thus choosing to void her responsibilities. Because childcare should (in a perfect world) be equal, a man should also be allowed to file within a certain amount of time comparable to that of the mother to have his paternal rights terminated if he so chooses. This would remove the risks and responsibilities from him in the same way. If at any time during the years of child raising, a woman has the ability to remove her child from her care (generally, adoption), the father should have that same right. However, choosing to do so at a later time should not void him of past responsibility. If it’s been 3 years, and he decides he doesn’t want the child, he should still owe the past three years of child support. Presumably, the woman in this case still had to provide some sort of care for the child during the time prior to placing it for adoption, and she is not given a refund on that care. The choice to later end responsibility, does not void past responsibility, only future responsibility. Both parents assume equal responsibility for the child, and if both parents are given equal ability to void such responsibilities, then both parents are on equal footing.

Of course, this brings me to pregnancy itself. While both parents are (or at least should be) on equal footing before and after this stage, the unfortunately reality of biology is that the woman carries the whole of the risks and responsibility during the pregnancy. She will face the physical strain that comes with pregnancy, as well as her actions affecting said pregnancy. For example, if a man with a pregnant wife goes out drinking, the alcohol he consumes does not affect the fetus. However, if the pregnant woman goes out drinking, the alcohol she consumes directly affects the fetus. If said pregnancy causes a dangerous spike in blood pressure, it is the woman who will suffer while the man faces no physical effects. Simply because pregnancy affects a woman’s body alone, she must face the weight of the risks and responsibility. Because she alone faces these risks and responsibilities, she alone should be given say in whether or not to continue the pregnancy.

While the risks and pregnancy and the responsibilities of child raising fall on both partners equally, the physical act of pregnancy falls solely on the mother.

Because of this I do not feel that the father has the right to force either an abortion or pregnancy upon a woman. He certainly should have the right to choose to prevent pregnancy, or to choose a partner who will continue a pregnancy with him. And after childbirth he should be given the right to parent said child or opt out of the responsibilities of such. But because during the act of pregnancy alone he bears none of the risks nor responsibilities, he does not have equal footing in which to make a case for equal say in the matter.

Now, if you want to argue for better laws that allow men to opt out of child raising or opt into parenthood, I am all for that. And I am certainly opposed to a person, whether the father or mother, to act in such a way that negates the other person’s ability to choose either option. And of course, there are examples on both sides of the line of an unscrupulous person acting in such a way as to void the other person’s ability to choose. I would love to hear ideas on how to prevent these specific incidences without affecting the rights of others (example: gun control. How do we stop criminals from having guns without preventing honest people from owning guns). But in the case of pregnancy itself, women hold the weight of the risks and responsibilities and therefore should be given the weight of the choice.

Is it equal, no. But then neither is biology. Find a way to create equal footing between the genders in this area, and then I’ll rethink my opinion.

photo credit: Jon Ovington

Let’s say that you find yourself the parent of a baby girl. Congratulations, and how do yo want the name to be spelled?

Now. You can spend the next 15+ years developing a relationship with your daughter that is built on trust, honestly, and mutual respect. You can parent in ways that shows your child that honesty is valued, and that it is OK to come to you when a mistake has happened. You can work hard to say your sorry, admit your own faults, and be in many ways equal to your daughter as a human being.

Or, you can take the typical “because I told you so” approach to parenting. I consider that the lazy parent’s approach. It’s so much easier to spank and threaten with hellfire than to talk, work together, respect, and make changes in yourself and your home to promote safety.

So now, how ever many years later, that baby girl in a teen. A pregnant teen. Maybe she feels comfortable with you, she knows that she can be honest with you, that you will be supportive and understanding and not judgmental. She knows that yo have always respected her, and tried to guide her through rough spots without pushing your identity on her. And so, she comes to you and tells you. And together, you work through the options and find an ending together.

Or, option B. And when she becomes pregnant she does her best to hide it, then sneaks off for an abortion on the side. And you, you the parent, you who chose not to take the lazy parent’s way out, now demand that the state makes her tell you what she’s doing.

Because working on a relationship, creating trust, and always being honest was just too hard.

So who loses out? The abused girls who truly have to hide in secrecy for their own lives and safety. The ones that the courts fail. The ones with precious time to waste while they wait for a judge’s docket to make room, and then hope that the judge isn’t some anti-choice asshole who will say no just because. And even if things go well, there’s still a chance that the parents will find out about the court and then find out about the reason. And there’s one more abused teenager because it was too hard for you to make the effort with your own child. photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

I know what you’re thinking. But what about the safety? Shouldn’t parents, even crappy lazy ones, know if their teens are having a medical procedure done? And to be honest, as a parent I get that on the outside.

Dig deeper though, and we see that abortion, when done in a timely manner, is safe. And yet, with so many restrictions teens are more likely to hold off longer and longer, moving into the increased risk area. She needs to be able to get in as soon as possible, same as an adult woman. But she can’t, because there are parents standing in her way. Actually reducing her safety so that the state can force what an already solid relationship should have done. Built honesty.

The risk of abortion complications is minimal: Fewer than 0.3% of abortion patients experience a complication that requires hospitalization.[10]

Abortions performed in the first trimester pose virtually no long-term risk of such problems as infertility, ectopic pregnancy, spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) or birth defect, and little or no risk of preterm or low-birth-weight deliveries.[11]

Exhaustive reviews by panels convened by the U.S. and British governments have concluded that there is no association between abortion and breast cancer. There is also no indication that abortion is a risk factor for other cancers.[11]

In repeated studies since the early 1980s, leading experts have concluded that abortion does not pose a hazard to women’s mental health.[12]

The risk of death associated with abortion increases with the length of pregnancy, from one death for every one million abortions at or before eight weeks to one per 29,000 at 16–20 weeks—and one per 11,000 at 21 or more weeks.[13]

Fifty-eight percent of abortion patients say they would have liked to have had their abortion earlier. Nearly 60% of women who experienced a delay in obtaining an abortion cite the time it took to make arrangements and raise money.[14]

Teens are more likely than older women to delay having an abortion until after 15 weeks of pregnancy, when the medical risks associated with abortion are significantly higher.[14]

- Guttmacher

If you want parental consent, what are yo saying? That you don’t trust your teen to come to you on her own? Why? Does she know how you will react? Is she afraid of how you will react? Do you think your teen would not be honest with you unless forced to do so by the state?

Spanking is the lazy parent’s way out.

Saying “because I said so” is the lazy parents’ way out.

Parental consent laws, likewise, are for lazy parents.

If you are in favor of parental consent laws, feel free to respond as long as you are A)polite, B) factual, and C)read the comment policy first.

photo credit: hugrakka

Last month when I wrote about my abortion, I made the statement

The female body is one of the most regulated things today. We have laws to let us breastfeed our babies when they are hungry. We have laws to let us give birth without intervention. We have laws to let us end a pregnancy. For thousands of years women have been walking around breastfeeding, giving birth at home with whomever they wanted present, and taking herbs to stop a pregnancy at the wrong time. Yet now, suddenly, we need to be monitored and labeled and have laws created to allow us to do with or bodies what you will allow us to do.

Dionna @ Code Name: Mama asked me to expand upon it, and I’ve been trying to put together a coherent post doing just that. I’ve written and deleted several posts, trying to find the right words.

And then the alcohol story broke. Which, basically, says sons of alcoholics have lower sperm counts than sons of nondrinkers. What about the moderate drinkers? Well, we don’t know. But it doesn’t matter, because YOU CAN’T DRINK!!! I was annoyed enough already, until I got a comment from a Stephen letting me know that the risk to drink is just too high and clearly any woman who has a glass of wine at dinner is an alcoholic and a terrible mother. Thank you so much for mansplaining that to me, Stephen.

If you’re a woman, you’re probably used to it by now. You should get married now. You should have kids now. You have to breastfeed. You have to do it in there. You can’t eat or drink this, this, or that. You can’t go there, you can’t wear that, you can’t enjoy that. All day long, you get to be told by strangers what exactly makes you a good person, just by the virtue of being perceived female.

The anti-choice activists do it, by screaming that you do not own your body and are too dumb to make any choices about it. Plenty of doctors do it, especially when they constantly do studies on why every single thing you do as a woman makes you a bad mother. Where’s the study to show that man who drink before kids have troubled sperm and create sick kids so drinking makes you a bad father? Oh, well, there’s no reason to test that. Men get to own their own bodes and determine for themselves the level of risk they are willing to take.

Arwyn has a post about this from 2008 that hits this same thing.

Each woman, when informed, is entirely capable of making choices for herself. Women do not like to add risk to their pregnancies, and given the choice will gladly make sacrifices (if they have the ability and the support needed) for the health of their babies. But they don’t like to be told they have to live like nuns — or like children! — and if they don’t they’re bad mothers, which is an insult on par with the n word in our society; especially when it is so absolutely clear both that it isn’t necessary to do all those things in order to bear a healthy child, and that society doesn’t really care about babies, or we wouldn’t allow thousands of pounds of mercury in to the air and water in the name of industry and profit, we wouldn’t allow lead in toys and paints and PVC, we wouldn’t blast rocket fuel and POPs and PCBs in to the atmosphere, we wouldn’t allow the marketing of formula, etc, etc…

Despite claims of being a civilized culture, we’re still in the neolithic in many areas. Women, are public property. Not just that, they are public verbal punching bags. Strangers are free to come up and tell a woman all the thousands of brilliant ways she is a “bad mother” without knowing her or anything about her.

Maybe that woman having a glass of wine is the fucking lead researchers on the alcohol study and knows the exact percentage of risk plus how to offset that risk. Who cares? She’s a woman, get your torches and pitchforks! She needs to be driven back into 1950s TV housewife perfection!

And this idea, it covers everything. (Part 2 coming …)