My Mom Died

photo credit: kevindooley

It’s a simple sentence, only three words, yet it holds a mountain of weight. Oddly, the weight does not come from what the words mean to me, but what they should mean as dictated by others.

My mother and I were not close. We were two strangers who occasionally were forced to cohabitate. She could be brutal, then caring, then neglectful, then vicious in the course of one day. Then disappear again for several months. And she had a knack of making everything my fault, always. I spent as much time as possible away from her.

Then she died.

When I say the words “my mom died” there is no more feeling to them than “it rained today” or “I dropped my sandwich.” Sure, there is a touch of sadness, because, you know, a person died and left things undone. But that person may as well have been someone I had never met before. There is no emotional attachment, no deep sorrow. When the doctor called I said “OK” and jotted down the number to make arrangements. Then went back to playing Legos with the boys.

But many people seem to think I should be sobbing hysterically, and that I may be a monster for not doing so. An offhand dark joke on Twitter netted me 5 emails about my lack of human emotions and potentially sociopath tendencies. And I don’t even use Twitter that much anymore.

Even the non-haters have sent me their condolences and asked if I am alright, if I need a hug, if I’m coping well. From in here it all seems very strange. I know they mean well, but how can I explain that I cried more when my cat died without looking like a total inhumane beast? Is there a support group for people who are inconvenienced by all this funeral arranging business but not actually saddened by the death part? Is there a self-help book for dealing with the look of horror when you explain why this week is not going to work scheduling wise as “these things happen” rather than bursting into tears?

And can I learn to just say “personal family issues” instead of “well, my mom died and… ,” because that self-edit feature would be great.

So today, and probably the rest of the week, I’ll be trying to sort all this funeral stuff out. And I’ll be surrounded by people who expect me to be emotional and sad. So no condolences necessary, I’ve already got more than my share.

Tags: death, family, life

Summer is a freelance writer and mother of 3, searching for herself amongst the Legos and blocks. After moving a couple hundred miles away from home, and fighting a few dragons, she's figuring out that she needs to be her own biggest fan to get through the world.


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