photo credit: seyed mostafa zamani
Sunday afternoon, after a weekend of crying, I attempted suicide.
Michael took the kids to his parents’ house, and left me home alone to die. And that was my sole intention, to die. Not to end my own pain, but to not be a burden on everyone else. A burden. My mood swings, my temper, my fears, my feelings were a burden on everyone else who had to deal with me.
Oh. My. God.
When the bottom drops out, and the only foundation you have known for eight years isn’t there holding you, you cannot see just how far you will fall. It becomes a bottomless pit of self-loathing. I hated myself, for everything. For every cross word, rolled eye, annoyed look, all of it. I was the cause of not only our entire relationship ending, but you cold have pinned cancer and world hunger on me as well. I would have taken those on too. EVERYTHING. WAS. MY. FAULT.
I would love to type the words “I’m doing much better now.” I’m not. I’m still struggling, and crying, and having panic attacks, and sometimes thinking about if the police had been a minute later. I’m not better yet.
But I’m trying. I will continue to try. I hit the bottom, the very bottom. And I’m still here. I can still laugh, I can still smile, I can still breath. I. DID. NOT. DIE. And I am not going to die either. Not any time soon. I will not let my self worth hinge on someone else’s opinion of me. I can believe that I am a worthy person because I am, not because someone else tells me I am.
Oh that is going to be hard, and it’s going to suck. I’ve got to scrape back layers of the relationship and find myself. I don’t even know for certain who the “me” is in here after years of “us.” Ouch.
Thankfully, I’m not alone. Oh holy hooch, I’m learning just how not-alone I am. I’m scared, and sad, and grieving. But I’m not alone. And I will get better. Because I can.
*How Soon Is Now? ~ The Smiths.
Subscribe to this blog via RSS Feed or Email.
Christine
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 8:31 AM:
You said holy hooch.
heh. heh. I own you, bitch.
Talk to you soon, you fabulous, amazing, delightful, intelligent, spectacular, gorgeous, one-of-a-kind gift to me.
Christine´s last blog ..Overwhelmed – good and bad
Summer
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 8:34 AM:
Oh hush! LOL
Tiffany@Lattes&Life
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 8:34 AM:
I’m glad you’re here. You’ve been on my mind constantly. You most certainly are not alone **hugs**
Tiffany@Lattes&Life´s last blog ..I Dig Jesus But Please Keep the Christians Away From Me
Megan Terry
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 9:29 AM:
Hi. I am a friend of christines. You most certainly are not alone. There are prayers and happy thoughts coming your way from Kentucky. You are a beautiful, strong women. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep keepin’ on.
-Megan
Megan Terry´s last blog ..Get your pumpkin bread on!
Alisha
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 10:42 AM:
You are such an amazing woman. You are in my thoughts. I am stopping by from Christine’s. I am an Okie gal too, and we are most definately one of a kind. You CAN do this.
Alisha´s last blog ..Just Thursday
shirley
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 11:00 AM:
Summer you rock. Your honesty rocks! You will get from behind that dark place, yes you will. Go through the crap and you will be on the other side. You will. I have followed Christine’s blog for awhile (stalked girl!) and you are so not alone – if I was closer, I’d be right over with some hugs, some good coffee, play with your kids in the dirt and go for a long beautiful walk in the fresh air – yes.i.would.
shirley
*prayers and good thoughts from BC, Canada
stephanie
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 11:08 AM:
hi summer. i’m steph in california. i read christine….and if christine loves you, then it’s GOT to be good.
i think every time, you laugh, or even smile, it will help you. just the physical act.
so i’m going to send you a link to some little cat vids that might make you laugh. i’m even a dog person and i laughed!
http://www.simonscat.com/films.html
please watch them, and have a laugh. and look forward eagerly to the next time you have a chance to laugh. it will happen! and you’ll feel better in spite of it all.
steph
Sevan
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 11:15 AM:
Thinking of you Summer!! So glad your still here. You are wonderful!!
Denise
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 11:38 AM:
I’m sorry you were hurting and alone at that moment.
Are Micheal & you still in the same house?
I’m thinking of you and really if there’s anything you need- and everyone says that so let me offer specifics- if you need a place to stay, if you need money, if you need an ear- I wish I were closer to offer to come help out with keeping up with the house & kids. But even that, if you need it I’ll see if I know any one else in your neck of the woods.
You’re not alone and you can do this because as you said, you can.
Laura
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 11:47 AM:
You have been on my mind a lot Summer. You are not alone.
Laura´s last blog ..Meal Plan Monday
Annette
@ acsandbergprodigy.net
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 12:44 PM:
Every single fabulous woman I have ever knows has visited the place you’re in right now. They may not have attempted suicide, but they’ve at the very least come close to contemplating an attempt. You are not alone. You’re in great company; the company of women who have made our planet a better and more compassionate place. to share your pain publicly takes enormous courage, so somewhere in your inner chambers a fire of solid strength and determination burns strongly. I’m so grateful you’re still here. Otherwise, I might never have “met” you.
Shelbey
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 1:25 PM:
Hi Summer, I’ve never commented but I read your blog often. I’m so glad you are still here! You are in my thoughts and prayers! I just wanted you to know that you reach people from all over that you don’t even know. I so appreciate your spirit and have gained so much insight from reading you. I’m so sorry about all you are going through! You will make it though.
Shelbey
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 1:29 PM:
Hi, I read your blog often but never comment but I wanted to let you know that your reader’s (even those who hide) really appreciate you! You are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but I’m glad to see this post. You will make it! Thanks for being here!
Lana
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 3:35 PM:
I found you thru Christine a long time ago. I’ve actually been following you for awhile then got out of my blogging habit and have missed quite a bit in the last year about you. I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place. I am also SO glad you are still here and made it thru to see Monday. It may not be the last of the dark places, but you now KNOW you are NOT alone. You can make it and you have to stay strong. I am lifting you and the children up in my prayers and sending you blessing. Please know you are greatly loved.
Jena
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 3:54 PM:
broken. alone. afraid. at the very very end
been there.
climbing back up, repairing, being restored, being renewed….
there now.
its possible, I am living it, don’t give up.
(got here from christine)
Gala
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 5:05 PM:
(((((HUGS)))) and (((((LOVE)))) being sent your way!!
Climbing out of that deep dark place is not easy.
You can do it. One step, one day, one hour…and for me there were many ‘oh holy hell…it has been a COMPLETE HOUR’…..
((((HUGS))))
and LOVE,
Gala
Mary Ostyn
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 6:35 PM:
HI Summer, Praying for you girl! You are not alone.
Mary
Mary Ostyn´s last blog ..The properly supported pantry
Caralyn
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 6:41 PM:
I’ve commented once or twice (I think) but I really wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone!
Your ex may not be the person you thought he was but that doesn’t mean he’s right – you are STRONG and COURAGOUS and INSPIRATIONAL to many many people, not the least of which are your beautiful children. Those three little people NEED you in their lives!
I know how hard this time must be for you right now but it will get better. It WILL get better! And one day, when this time is just a distant memory and you are a stronger and happier woman, your children will tell you how much they admire your strength. They will tell you how much they admire YOU because you fought through this darkness and came out the other side, a better person, for yourself and for them.
I told my mum that, many years after her darkest hour had passed. She made it through and so can you!
*big hugs*
Megan
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 8:37 PM:
Summer,
You are not alone. You are loved. You are thought about, cared about and sought after. Today may seem so very dark but just keep walking…there is light. Please reach out, you are important to this world. I absolutely love your name by the way.
Amber
@ AmberStrocel
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 10:21 PM:
I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing.
I’m so, so sorry to hear about how low you’ve been. I’m glad you’re committed to finding your way out.
Be well.
Amber´s last blog ..What’s Happening with my Book Dream
Sunday Koffron Taylor
@ sundaykoffron
on Oct 9th, 2010
@ 11:08 PM:
You are not alone!
Sunday Koffron Taylor´s last blog ..In Defense Of My Mother
Sara
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 1:03 AM:
Summer…hang in there. You have an amazing circle of love surrounding you right now. xxoo
Rose
@ celestialrose
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 11:42 AM:
We’re all here to support you while you work through those layers; while you try out new things. Remember you can lean on us. If you need a moment to rest, we’ll keep you afloat.
With Love,
Rose
Rose´s last blog ..DWL- Week One
Lisa @Retro Housewife Goes Green
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 2:36 PM:
Sending you good thoughts. If you want to talk I’m always here. Also I’m not TO far away if you need anything!
Lisa @Retro Housewife Goes Green´s last blog ..10-10-10 a Day for Change
Brice
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 5:31 PM:
Summer -
I’ve been there. It’s a scary place, and doesn’t lift easily. I’m so glad that Christine is in your life. And mine. She’s a rolling ball of awesome, and I think it rubs off, haha. Sending many good wishes of hope, inspiration, and love your way. Here’s to being okay, and taking it one day at a time.
Gloriana Beausoleil
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 8:07 PM:
Don’t be afraid, Summer. Keep breathing. You are loved. It’s not all your fault.
Arp
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 9:01 PM:
You are definitely NOT alone. We just wish we lived closer. Do the best you can and take things one step at a time.
Arp´s last blog ..Are you like Marvin Gaye
abbie
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 9:07 PM:
Summer- I’ve lost loved ones to suicide. It sucks, it makes me so angry. I lost my 11-year old cousin to suicide when I was in college, and less than a month later my then-boyfriend’s little brother killed himself. I’m so happy you’re still here, for the sake of your children. Coping with these losses from suicide has been the hardest part of my life, and I would never, ever want your children to have to go through that. I hope you can find strength and get help for their sake!
abbie´s last blog ..Black & Whites on the Farm
Denie Heppner
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 9:21 PM:
summer, i will pray for you- have been ever since christine blogged about you years ago. you are not alone. you are loved. i love you and so do many other people who are in on your situation right now. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s NOT a freight train, it’s us with flashlights in our hands, lookin’ for you.
Denie Heppner´s last blog ..
Kathy
on Oct 10th, 2010
@ 11:38 PM:
Summer,
You will get through this, one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Keep breathing. I am sending you love and prayers from Minnesota.
If you haven’t already, check with a doctor about some meds to help, at the very least, with the anxiety and panic. I’m not sure how you feel about them, but meds can be one part of a wide range of self-care for anxiety/depression (along with exercise, breathing, tapping/EFT, herbs/supplements, support, friends, talk therapy, nutrition, etc.). This may be the most stressful trial of your life, so give yourself permission to care for your whole self.
You have made strong, secure attachment a priority for your children, which is the best gift you can give them during such a stressful time (and throughout their lives). They will cope better because you have laid such a sure foundation for them.
You are strong, you are capable, you are loved.
Kathy
Heidi
on Oct 12th, 2010
@ 7:25 AM:
oh my freakin god you are living my life from7 years ago. I need to think for a bit and figure out what i can do to help you up. coming from the other end of this please believe me you will kick ass and come out strong(er) -heidi
Heidi
on Oct 12th, 2010
@ 7:33 AM:
Ummmm sooo well i swore and said oh my freakin god… Which could be offensive and since i dont know you is kind of inapproiate of me. Sorry summer, but was just so damn stunned by our similarities i lost my head for a moment. -heidi
Jana
on Oct 12th, 2010
@ 11:04 AM:
While my situation doesn’t begin to compare, I know what it’s like to hit the bottom. I know what it’s like to have to celebrate not crying for a whole hour. I know what it’s like to have to get up each day and go through the motions even though your feel like it will kill you. I also know what it’s like to get through it and come out on the other side. Believe me the other side is amazing and so worth the struggle. You WILL get through this. You are too amazing of a person not too.
Sending you peace, comfort and blessings!
Jana
Meg
on Oct 12th, 2010
@ 3:50 PM:
Summer – I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. I read a few posts back and I might be really out of line here but have you ever tried a mood stabilizer? My son is bipolar and has significant mood swings (to the point of dangerous) when he is not on a mood stabilizer. It might help ’round out the edges’ and ward off the heavy depression?
Also, I have been left as well (my first marriage) with a child and no income etc. Literally nothing. I had to go to a women’s shelter with my son until we could get public housing. It was really rough but I gained a lot of strength from it. We went on welfare, food stamps, the whole nine and now, years later, I am remarried to a great guy and am very happy. Hang tight. You can do this. Do it for your kids. They can never replace you.
Kate
on Oct 12th, 2010
@ 4:30 PM:
Oh my dear Summer!
Hold on! By the skin of your teeth, breaking nails to the quick if needed,
but don’t let go. I SWEAR it, life, motherhood, singleness, pain…it gets better.
Ya gotta wade through a good amount of shit first, but eventually, you get to shore,
take a hot shower and smell something good again.
I’m a 25 year survivor of suicide attempts, bipolar rides, and a failed marriage.
I won’t lie to you; it’s hard, but so worth it. Just hold on.
BTW…I may be one of the only folks who found you first, not Christine. I’m not gonna
pray…that’s for believers to do, but I will offer space if you’d like a vacay in the south, kids welcome….or a shoulder, a cup of tea and free babysitting. (Um…if you’re near Ga, anyway!)
ivy
on Oct 17th, 2010
@ 12:10 PM:
oh gosh, you put into words such a painfully similar experience(s) in my past. the fact that you could write the ‘how to break up’ list gives me hope for you. it is so horribly true and yet funny. i have been through absolutely scathing betrayal that shocked me so completely. i have also had deep deep regret over not doing more to keep another relationship intact. both cases i was on the couch sobbing and unable to parent. sounds like you’ve got a combination platter going on. good lord. i feel for you so much, and i am glad you have some good good support. just know you are not alone in going through this horrible experience. love!
One Word | Finding Summer
on Dec 4th, 2010
@ 10:16 PM:
[...] 2010 I found myself in a very dark place. It was the year that everything I thought I was, fell away. I was left standing bare, raw, and [...]