Home.
When I was little home was my grandma’s house on the edge of town. We had a garden that spread over most of the property, and geese, and fruit trees, and places to explore. That was home.
When I was older, I had to go live with my mother. Home changed every few months, but in a way it stayed the same. No matter the actual house, I could count on it being a tiny, falling down rental with too many cracks in the walls and bugs crawling in. We didn’t even unpack, just kept our things in boxes for the next hasty retreat when that place got to be too much. It was filth and trash, but it familiar.
With Michael, home was a small house on a quiet street. It was old, and drafty, but it was safe. He was always there when I woke up, which made it home. After we moved, and moved, and moved again, I was OK with home not being a permanent structure. Being next to him was enough to make it home.
Now, home is a tiny cabin in the middle of shade trees. My neighbors roll through in RVs, taking home with them as they go. It’s tiny, and cramped, and I don’t have the courage to even unpack our clothes yet.
I think in some ways I don’t really know what home is. Is it a place, a state of mind, or the people you are with? If home is where the heart is, what if I’ve lost it forever? Maybe home, like other dreams, is something that not everyone is meant to have.
I don’t have any answers right now. I’m just looking for home.
*Post inspired by Strocel’s In Search of Home post.
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Amber
@ AmberStrocel
on Oct 21st, 2010
@ 2:52 PM:
I hope you find your place, soon. I trust that it is out there waiting for you somewhere.
Amber´s last blog ..In Search of Home
ivy
on Oct 21st, 2010
@ 8:39 PM:
it’s all still too new, and too saturated with trauma, to have clarity on your next step. i say, just be grateful for a safe place, a place with a friend nearby, a place to think and to slowly, incrementally, begin to heal. i wrote a comment before, about how i could relate to what you were going through…i know that in my shock and grief, i tried to make decisions about moving, that didn’t pan out as my brain was too traumatized to know what to do. it was scary. the world seemed very big and random. we can say ‘the earth is our home’ but it is still an insecure time…once the dust has cleared a bit, you might want to check out the ‘intentional communities’ website. something to daydream about. also, keep track of the offers for help that have come on your blog…but i don’t recommend any big decisions quite yet. wait till life has shook down to something more clear, is my unsolicited advice…thinking of you, empathizing…please be kind to yourself. your kids need you to love yourself. think of how you would treat a dear friend in your very situation. you would not judge and harangue them. try to be as kind to yourself. love!
Fairly Odd Mother
on Oct 21st, 2010
@ 8:48 PM:
Summer, do you know Issa from Issa’s Crazy World? She is such a kind soul and she went through a really painful divorce recently that really rocked her world. When I read where you are now, I think of her posts from not so long ago. But, when I look at where she is now, I want to say to you, “hang in there! you’ll make it and your new normal will be ok”.
And I love Ivy’s advice to just take it slow, be kind to yourself and don’t make any huge moves just yet. Let the ideas come to you and then live with them for a while before you decide what you next step is.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..thankablogger
zrecsmom
on Oct 21st, 2010
@ 10:12 PM:
@summerminor You are so close and yet so far from me!
summerminor
on Oct 21st, 2010
@ 10:49 PM:
@zrecsmom Where are you?
Wendi Henry
on Oct 23rd, 2010
@ 8:35 PM:
I only ‘briefly’ know Christine but have been so intrigued to hear about her “friend Summer”. Our family is currently walking with a friend through a very painful separation and divorce and all of your friends here have given good advice – ODAT (one day at a time). Christine has spoken highly of you as a parent, and so I will add on to that my current observations with our friend: to your children right now, during these formative and tender years, YOU are Home. You are their normal and their place of safety. No matter what box you find yourself crammed into – being with them is what will shape them the most…and I know you already know that, so I just wanted to call it out of you. I, too, am so glad you were able to step out and find a safe place to land near people who love you and want the best for you…your kids will remember that – the people that loved them so much to take care of their momma…it will matter…they will remember this as “home” while you are struggling to find yours. hugs from CO.
Becky
on Oct 27th, 2010
@ 7:43 PM:
Hope you’re okay! Please be kind to yourself (been there, not done that)! The world is kind to all us hippie types (young (you) and old (me)). There is peace for us. Becky
Sunday
@ sundaykoffron
on Oct 30th, 2010
@ 7:52 PM:
Summer, as a child of divorce, then the foster system, I have had to accept that “home” is where ever I am and my family are those who love me. I am sending loving energy your way!