photo credit: marfis75

Dates are supposed to be simple. You go out for a cup of coffee, or a nice dinner, you talk, you laugh, you go to your separate homes with hopefully plans for a second date.

But that’s fairy tale land when you have issues. In here, dates take on a whole new meaning.

First, there was Henry. An oh so sweet and laid back guy, divorced, who ran his own business. We went to the park, watched the ducks, and talked until it got dark. Then I threw myself at him and we had sex, twice. Of course, that only triggers me into being a sociopath. So the next day I called him and ranted that he was only after sex, which pushed him away. Then, when he didn’t call for out appointed second date, I called him again and left a long rant about what a jerk he was.

Never heard from him again.

Next came Zach. He came over, we talked on the balcony, things seemed great. Then one kiss lead to a blowjob, and he didn’t show or call for the second date. Which, of course, meant I left several long text messages calling him a jerk.

Never heard from him again.

Then came Mitchell. We went out to eat at a nice restaurant. Then, despite not really being into him, we went to his house. Which of course lead to sex and a blowjob. At least this time I expected not to hear from him again.

Lastly was John. We met for coffee, then spent the day walking and talking. Then back to my place, where he kissed me, and… you know the story. It seemed perfect, until the next day he said he wasn’t ready to date yet. And I started crying and said several hateful things. Because in my head it’s black and white, there’s no concept that he likes me but isn’t ready to date. Nope, it must be that he hates me.

Welcome to my fucked up life. Where I jump into bed too quickly, expect the guy to fall in love with me, then lose my shit when things don’t work out perfectly. When I can’t see the subtle nuances of emotion, it’s either all love or all hate. Where rejection of any kind feels like rejection of me as a person and cuts me to my core. Where I can jump from being infatuated with one guy, to hating myself, to infatuation with the next guy in 24 hours or less.

When I said I had issues, I meant it.

Welcome to crazy-land, population me.

From PsychCentral:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

You think I don’t know that I’m a fuck up.

That I don’t cry myself to sleep every night knowing what a waste of space I am.

That I don’t look in the mirror every day with nothing but rage and hatred.

I live and breath based on what other people think of me, because I can’t think anything good about myself.

I’m a fuck up.

I just want someone to love me. For once, to just love me instead of hating me. Too look past my flaws and see a person. Because god knows I can’t do that for myself.

Because I hate every pound of flesh that makes up my body, I hate every though that makes up my mind.

I’m a fuck up.

That’s all I’ll ever be.

Things have been busy for me lately. Good busy, but busy nonetheless.

I finally got a job. After thousands of resumes and applications sent, Walmart was the only one willing to take a chance on someone with no experience doing much. It sucks, but around here getting any job is a reason to celebrate. Starting next week I’ll be part time in the jewelry department.

Part time works great because *drumroll* I’m going back to college. After years of dreaming, I’m finally taking the leap and going back to finish my education. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but with three kids under feet I assumed I wouldn’t be able to do for another 20 years. Now it looks like I’ll be able to go back and finally make something of myself. With a degree I can get a real job, feel better about myself, and be more financially stable for my kids.

I’ve also jumped into internet dating. I had a bad few experiences, but I’m learning to take the bad with the good. It’s a good way to meet new people, not just for dating but also to get to know more people in my new city. Plus, it seems I’m hot. I’ve suddenly got a half dozen guys emailing me daily wanting to go out. Me? Hot? Who knew!

Work, school, dating, I know it all seems like too much right now. But I’ve got to jump back into my life now or I’ll always be too afraid to. The meds I’m on now are working wonderfully, I don’t feel depressed and I’m seeing things more clearly than I have in years. My counselor is a dream, she’s like the grandma I wish I had. I feel alive, and it’s time to take back my life.

From the book The Buddha & The Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, & Online Dating:

Somewhere in this process, I begin to understand that my progress and stability aren’t just because of my management of my BPD symptoms. It’s as much due to the environment, again confirming Lineham’s idea that the disorder is created, and can be dismantled, in the context of relationships (1993a). Seemingly mundane aspects of life that so many people take for granted – having a job, a relationship, a place to live – are as critical to my recovery as learning skills and being in treatment. They form a structure that keeps me from falling backward.

“Each new challenge,” Dr. Crabtree comments, “brings with it another destablization and potential loss. And so as you get ‘better,’ there’s an ongoing need for more support, not less.”