photo credit: Markus Rödder
In the hospital we were encouraged to journal our thoughts. I wrote a lot about what I was feeling and thinking, both new thoughts and things I had felt for a long time. The second day I was there I took out my notebook and began writing what was in my head. It’s hard to admit sometimes those thoughts. I try to smile, to laugh, to joke, to appear normal. But inside there is a lot of self-hate, a lot of pain.
I wanted to share the first thing I wrote in my journal with someone. But, lacking someone close who can come over and read it, I thought I would do what I always do: share it here. With the world. Good or bad, this is how my head works.
I’ve read a lot of people calling me out for writing so openly on my blog, for sharing my thoughts in my darkest time. I was called selfish and a deviant, told that I was hurting others by putting my words out there. So, look away now if you don’t want to read what goes through my head. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone because of my insanity.
Bad
Bad
Bad
unlovable, ugly, stupid, no talent, empty, shallow, weak
bad wife, bad mother, unlovable
worthless
Go away, disappear, die, die, die, die
Broken
little pieces
unfix-ableBroken
bad
bad
bad
Subscribe to this blog via RSS Feed or Email.
Sam
@ samsstories
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 3:32 PM:
It is your truth. Let them look away if it makes them uncomfortable. Do what you need for you to heal.
Sam´s last blog ..Birthing and Pokage
Brendazzle*
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 3:36 PM:
How are you hurting other people by putting your thoughts out there? It’s your blog. If they don’t want to read it, they don’t have to.
I wish I could make the bad thoughts go away. You’re not ‘unlovable’ or ‘worthless’ and I wish those bad thoughts would SHUT UP so you could hear/remember that.
Brendazzle*´s last blog ..preschool princess 52-17
Kelli T.
@ kelli306
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 4:05 PM:
Don’t let the call-outs get to you. You have every right to put your words out there in this space you’ve created for yourself. People are afraid of the truth, I think.
What you’re doing is cathartic. Keep at it.
Kat
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 4:05 PM:
I am so very relieved to see your site back online. I’ve been checking most days (but I guess not yesterday) and was very worried.
I agree with other commenters that this is your blog and your personal space and you should share what you want to share. If others don’t like it, they can choose not to read.
Zoie @ TouchstoneZ
@ touchstonez
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 4:20 PM:
I think you are brave to share your words. If someone else can’t deal with it, then that is their own issues arising and has nothing to do with you. The fact that you are capable of feeling things so deeply that it turns inward and cuts you also means you are capable of huge love and compassion.
Your words are beautiful, painful, and give comfort knowing my own inward thoughts during depression were not alone.
Zoie @ TouchstoneZ´s last blog ..Letter to Littles- April 2011
Suzy
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 5:21 PM:
This is your space and you can say what you want. I am just glad that you are back writing here. You have been, and continue to be, in my thoughts as do your kids. Take care.
joan
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 5:50 PM:
Screw “them”. Do that you need to do. You have support here.
Dawn
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 6:13 PM:
Summer, when I thought you had died and your blog was taken down, I didn’t want to let you go. I was so afraid to scroll down from your blog because I thought it would disappear forever and I’d never see a picture of you again. I started following your blog when we were both pregnant back when it was Wired for Noise. Your blog is so refreshing. I love the way you put words together. I love your honesty.
I kept your blog ‘unread’ so it would never go away. I really don’t want you to disappear. You have so much to say, and I want to always be there to read it…good or bad.
Dawn
Denise
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 6:19 PM:
Summer
You scared me horribly the other night, I’m so grateful I was able to find out that you were OK. And I’m glad you are back writing whatever it is you wish/need/want to write. Please continue to reach out & to share what’s going on and let us support you in whatever ways we can.
Denise
BriaGrace
@ redandblackriot
on Apr 27th, 2011
@ 9:15 PM:
Summer,
We have never officially met. I have been reading your blog on and off for a while, and when you wrote your suicide post, I started following you on Twitter because I wanted to know if you were okay. You followed me back this morning. So I figured it was about time I introduce myself properly.
I don’t really know what to say other then I have been there. I have fought the voices that told me to just do another line, shoot up once more and it would all be better. I have gathered the pills, bought brand new razor blades and written my goodbyes. I have spent time in and out of hospitals and on and off the streets. I fight the demons every. damn. day. I get it. If you ever, ever need anyone to talk to that understand, I am here. Any time of the day, any day of the week.
mamikaze
on Apr 28th, 2011
@ 1:03 AM:
It’s hard to shrug off the smack talk, I know that. Focus on how many people gathered from all corners of the internet to find you. Hundreds of people sent out their thoughts,prayers, energy in the hopes that you would be found alive. I am so glad you are. Your truth is yours alone. Live it.
mamikaze´s last blog ..The Help
Steph
on Apr 28th, 2011
@ 7:00 AM:
I am so glad you have this place to be open, and I am so glad you are free to speak here. Summer I’ve felt all of these things, I think so many of us have. Maybe people are uncomfortable facing someone elses openness… My heart literally aches for your circumstances but (whether you believe” or not) Ive seen miracles happen even in the most doubtful, things can change, there is hope- whichever platform you seek that hope, it exists. And I don’t mean to be naiive and Pollyanna here, I just genuinely care for you. So many people do. You are cool. You are beautiful. You are brave.
Steph
Steph´s last blog ..Small Style- Here- There- and Everywhere
Lynne
on Apr 28th, 2011
@ 2:16 PM:
I am here listening, I read off and on but I don’t see a post about what and how your ex took your kids away. I think you would be happier if they were around you, at least your wrote about happier times because of them I think. I don’t know the details and maybe you will get around to letting the blog world kknow sometime but I am praying for you. You have alot of people who care about you whether you “feel” it or not. It’s like math, a constant truth. You can see by your commenters who do love you and your children that you have a reason to live. Please find peace in your heart.
Lynne´s last blog ..Daycare Costs for a Family of 6